Getting Beyond Sadness
One of the first feelings you will face, before and after you open the door to leave the “cage” of a limited life, is sadness. Sadness, that is, for parts of what will be or what has been left behind. Sadness for what could have been. And for parts of you that felt tied to what was. Always, the unanswerable question, “why did it have to be this way?”
This reminds me of the constant question of young childhood, “Why?” and the constant proclamation, “that’s not fair!” And then, the predictable adult response, “Life’s not fair.” So now we see what they were talking about.
Joy and Pain
To deal with sadness from a healthy place, the first thing we have to recognize is that sadness is just part of life. Frankie Beverly expressed it well:
You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.
Jonathan Safran Foer
The Prophet, Khalil Gibran
Read more:
It's Not Because of "You"
Another thing is to realize that not everything means something. Something “bad” happening doesn’t necessarily mean that you made a mistake or that you are bad in some way. You might want to reflect, of course, on whether there are things that might be done better in the future, in another circumstance. But just as often, you’ll find there wasn’t something you really would have done differently. Sometimes, whatever “bad” thing that happened is really not because of you. Sometimes, it’s just the way the cookie crumbles.
It's Not Because of "Magic"
I myself have a tendency toward magical thinking at times, toward believing that there is a reason behind everything. And by “reason” I mean a spiritual reason, like a meaning, or a destiny. I often have to remind myself that we are in a physical world where things basically follow physical laws. More often than not, the “reason” is as simple as that. If something breaks or something is lost, it’s not some deity that has broken it or lost it. It’s because it was underfoot, teetering on the counter. Or because it was there on the table and you placed papers on top of it, hiding it. If someone passes on, it’s because they got sick, because people get sick, or because there was an accident, for similar reasons as mentioned above.
Everything is not Under Your Control
If a project didn’t turn out as you hoped, or a partnership, or a job, or a home, it was because these things require a confluence of factors to work (something sometimes called “luck”). This time those factors didn’t all happen at once the way they would have needed to for the desired outcome. These all boil down to a three possible explanations, if you want to get down to the brass tacks:
- You didn’t put in as much effort as the situation truly required, perhaps because you didn’t realize it was needed;
- Other people involved did not put in this effort for their own reasons that have to do with their own pasts, journeys, and learning arcs in their lives;
- External circumstances, which are extremely varied and often unpredictable, didn’t align in the way you expected.
You can see that only one of these reasons is very much under your control. When you are dealing with other people, who carry their own burdens from the past and present, and when you are dealing with the realities of the world, filled with so many moving parts and colliding circumstances, sometimes these things just happen.
While it makes sense to reflect on situations to try to understand and learn what you can, it’s important to realize that whatever happens is not necessarily a reflection on YOU. It’s just what happened. And now what? Unless you want to stay there wallowing in sadness for the rest of your existence, now you deal with it. And move on to the next thing.
Validate Its Importance
However, by “move on”, I do not mean forget about it, act like it didn’t matter, be silent, bottle it up, etc. When there is something to learn, it’s important to learn it. This would mean you don’t have to go through the same problem or mistake again. Perhaps next time you can be more successful. But even more importantly, keep in mind that every experience in our past both contributes to and illuminates who we are. It would be a mistake to not recognize what we gain through even difficult experiences.
Carry It With You
For example, if you are grieving the loss of a person from your life, remember that all of the specific things you remember about that person, that you don’t want to let go of, already happened. You already have those memories. You don’t have to leave behind those memories. Or the things they made you feel, or the things they made you dream. You take those memories with you. You can honor that person every day by being who you were, or imagined, or wanted to be, with them. They may, in their interactions with you, have led you to see who you wanted to be. Now it is up to you to be it. And keep being it.
Sometimes meetings with others at certain points in our lives are important because of what they teach us. They may have known things we did not, through the virtue of their own experiences. And we honor that person by honoring what they taught us.
Maybe you're just discovering yourself
However, just as often, what we think that someone else makes us feel, or be, has actually very little to do with that person at all. Rather it is something inside ourselves that was only triggered by our experiences with that person. The great thing about realizing this is that you realize all that you thought that person gave to you, actually you own. It is all you. You just didn’t realize it. And now, you get to honor that part of you that was illuminated by your experience with that person. You get to go be more of that all on your own.
Remember, this is just life
In the meantime, by all means, don’t judge yourself for the part of your journey that taught you this. It’s part of life. It’s why we call it a journey.
You don’t learn to walk by following rules. You learn by doing, and by falling over.
Richard Branson
Related post: Gratitude
How to Get Beyond Sadness
In sum, the way to get beyond sadness is twofold:
- Gratitude, for the good things that happened, even if they are now in the past, and for what you may have learned from those things; and
- Allowing your body and spirit an appropriate amount of Get Well time. Be kind to yourself, be understanding, even if no one else is. You know what you are going through, and you know your goal in the end is to get to the other side of this.
Honor what you have learned in this process. Let it contribute to what you recognize in yourself. Let it shape who you become, in a positive sense.
The very first step, however, is just letting yourself feel whatever you feel. Our emotions need to be heard and accepted, or they will never leave us alone. Then, once the worst has passed, eventually be curious about what this sadness tells you about what you want, what you learned, how you might do things differently. This can help you determine where you should go from here, when the time comes for that.
Start with a deep breath, lying down and closing your eyes. Let your thoughts take you where they will.
Or get up and work on a project if sitting still is too much. Sometimes it helps to have some music that reflects what you are feeling, for which I leave the Spotify playlists below:
